Lets start with the fact that I have three kids who have never thrown up.
That was a true statement until yesterday.
Recently I stated several times aloud to people in conversation that ‘My kids have never thrown up. Knock on Wood’. I know now that this is the equivalent of Virginia Madsen saying “Candyman” three times in succession in the mirror. I even jokingly threw out Jerry’s quote from Seinfeld: “Vomit-free since ’83″.
I have always known it was coming, but I had really started to wonder if perhaps my kids were vomit-resistant. I got slammed as far as sleep issues and colic, so maybe this was the universes way of rewarding me for my sufferings!
Not so much. At 4-something o’clock on Monday morning, February 24th, the events began. I expect that they are not over yet, however, the Exorcist activities have slowed down for the immediate future, giving me enough time to write a quick post.
If you are still in your vomit-free honeymoon period with your kids, here are some tips and thoughts I would like to share to help you be more prepared when the big day comes. Maybe one day we will celebrate November 5th, our first ever Vomit Vortex, with chicken pot pies and sawdust tributes, but for now, I am just glad its over.
#1 You can never have too many linens – Scratchy, tacky, low thread count? Keep them. You can layer them on beds, floors and couches and peel them off for washing as they are compromised. Ditto with kids pajamas.
#2 Paper towels are critical – Screw ‘select-a-size’, you will be measuring by the yard.
#3 Pedialyte® is highway robbery – Go ahead and send your husband to get it at the store because people will measure your worth as a mother by your ability to have this salty tasting watered-down Kool-aid in your medical bag. You will want to come up with a cocktail for the leftovers because this shiz is expensive.
#4 Early warning signs save upholstery – In my case it was my son’s whimpering followed by muffled gurgling and internal upheaval. With a standard 3-5 second delay, I was able to use my paper towels as a protective shield for furniture and carpets.
#5 Don’t get cocky – Just when you think its over… – I thought I was so in the clear. We’d almost reached 12 hours SLV (since last vomit). 10:43pm: Cue crying and a slime scene from Double Dare.
#6 Prepare to live in fear – Fear of your other kids getting it and fear of getting it yourself. Every burp, moan and tear from someone in your house will make your blood run cold for fear that the curse has spread. This post-puke trauma will likely go on for days if not weeks.
#7 My sons vomit breath in my face doesn’t bother me, it just smells like sadness – He also chose this as the time he most wanted to start giving me kisses on the face constantly.
#8 I now know what bamboo feels like – Whenever you see sloths, pandas and koala bears, they are usually clinging on to bamboo plants with no possibility of removal in the near term. During Vomit Vortex 2019, Boy was that koala. I was the bamboo.
#9 The crumbs from a single saltine cracker actually have a greater mass than the original cracker itself – I’d like to amend the law of conservation of mass as follows: mass can not be created nor destroyed, except when Nabisco is involved.
#10 My son has 98% accuracy when dangled over the sink – The other 2% was missed due to unwanted sleeve interference
#11 My husband will do anything I want in order to avoid being left alone with a potential pie eating aftermath scene from Stand By Me – Grocery runs, meal pick up, dishes, a delivery errand. Done.
#12 It wasn’t as bad as I thought – I had built it up in my mind to be horrific, and although it isn’t a picnic, you go into mommy mode and it is more of a robotic experience of comforting, clean up and laundry than an epic event. I think colonoscopies are covered in this bullet too from what I hear (minus the comforting and laundry).
We’ll see who goes down next from this virus…there are 3 potential victims and the counter starts now. ‘Vomit-free since 10:43′.
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